Baby’s first terrible jeans

Consider a jean. Consider a jean with a flare. Consider a jean with a flare that looks like it belongs on a person 6 inches shorter than its wearer. How do you feel right now? If you’re my boyfriend, you’re considering cutting ties. If you’re my girlfriend, you’re requesting the URL to purchase. Girl, I got you, and for no more than $67.

Now that you’ve developed a strong mental image, I present to you some photographic evidence.

Ready for a flood or about to pilot a private jet?

Jeans – asos / boots – zara (old) / turtle – gap / watch – casio

Will anyone ever be able to work a terrible jean as well as Leandra Medine? Girl could fit another pair of legs in those pants and everyone’s clambering for the honor. If you’re as intrigued by her denim choices as I am, read here about why she wears bad pants. It’s nothing short (except literally) of inspiring.

Hi, I’m on the corner of Spring and Lafayette. Look for The Jeans.

I started hating flares in 2006 and have about 15 pairs of skinny jeans stacked in my closet as proof. But as a less tapered look has started to pick up in the darkest (arguably brightest) corners of the fashion world, I’ve found myself warming up to a roomier ankle. Why not let them breathe a bit? My theory is we only view skinny jeans as flattering because we’re desensitized to their calf-suffocating tendencies.

Remember when Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear audaciously proclaimed, “Tapered, never. Straight leg, always. Boot-cut, sometimes.” in 2007? Little did he know, most wouldn’t be caught in anything but a tapered leg just a year later.

Also: remember What Not To Wear?

Anyway, I’ll admit my flare could use a little more volume, but it’s always hard to find the affordable equivalent of trends in their early days.

…what, you don’t think these will go main stream?!

One baby step in the terrible jean direction, one giant step for not flattering my body

Is an aggressively cropped flare the modern equivalent of the age old seductive slip of the wrist?

Medieval flirt

coat – zara (on sale)

As you might have noticed, I opted to leave my hair tucked into my turtleneck this morning, a sartorial choice that lasted as long as my commute to work. Although this trick caters to my laziness and is completely adorable on models in grainy New York photoshoots, it’s fairly untenable in an everyday context. Not only does it untuck itself into a hair mushroom within three to four minutes, but it’s actually quite scratchy if you have dried out witch hair like myself. Plus 10 points for chillness, minus 11 points for scaleability. That leaves us just shy of neutral on hair-tucking.

Business chart

 

Surprise twist: added an oversized helmut into the mix (so 1991) and was working with new dimensions. The straps conveniently shaped my hair mushroom into a classy 60’s ‘do, a result so gratifying the scratchiness felt like a small sacrifice.

I may just have to leave this on all day

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