Mercury is in retrograde so you may be a bit crampy today.
Tricked ya, hormone horoscopes actually have nothing to do with looking into the sky to find out whether you should wear your bad underwear tomorrow, intriguing as that may sound. No celestial guidance needed when your body is its own special little solar system! V cute huh? And all you need to explore it is a smart phone and the date of your last shark week. Plus a drop or two of #science.
This app tells you how your hormones might be making you feel given where you are in your cycle and let me tell you: it’s genuinely fascinating and startlingly accurate. I’ve never noticed how shifty my mood is from week to week until I got this app and read through it every morning instead of making small talk with my boyfriend. He loves the app, by the way.
Sweet is the day we can blame all our problems on our stupid periods!
Okay. It’s called Hormonology: Hormone Horoscope and if you enjoyed that alliteration you’re probably on the 3rd week of your menstrual cycle. I completely made that up but it sounded kind of right didn’t it? (Hope the creators of the app took a different approach…)
Fair warning: the visual and interaction design on this thing is borderline horrific. There are about 5 typefaces on the opening page alone, and one of them is Bradley Hand. But you must turn a blind eye for your body’s sake.
Excerpt from my app today:
“Your body’s level of sedating progesterone rises higher and higher throughout your Week 3, which can make you more prone to zoning out and wishing you could curl up for a much-needed nap anywhere you can… You may also find this hormone is making your brain a bit foggy and a tad forgetful.”
Dead on! My friend Kelsey is always making fun of me for blaming “completely unrelated things” on my period, but next time she laughs at me for blaming my stubbed toe on hormones, I’m whipping this baby out! Vindicated! At the small cost of ownership over my emotions. But who needs ownership over fogginess?
And in somewhat related news, I could not for the life of me pick out an outfit this morning. Every time Austin came in to the bedroom to get something I was wearing a different pair of pants. He actually described my expression as that of a sad puppy (teeny tiny violins for me).
When all else fails, however, I gravitate towards the same recipe: ankle boots with socks + skinny pants + button down + whatever shit I can pile on top for emotional support. Enough layers and I’ll be too preoccupied with how hot and sweaty I am to think about my outfit woes.
I couldn’t hang today and I fully blame my hormones.