TBH

Tell me you haven’t heard it a thousand times: “Thank god my twenties are over! What a nightmare. I’m so much more confident and happy with myself now. If only I would have known everything would be fine!” As fatigued as I’ve become of platitudinal remarks about a decade and its appropriate corresponding feeling, I still privately visit this one when my head is spinning with existential uncertainty.

I offered it up to my brother Andy once, like a pathetic crumb, during one of our panic-stricken gchats about how we want to do and be and feel more something. His response was something like:

Honestly those comments have never made me feel better. I interpret them as ‘Thank god I’m out of the phase where there is still hope for me to do something worthwhile. Now that my options are fewer, it’s a relief and I can blame my circumstances on my age instead of my decisions and just accept things as they are.’

Well, fuck.

Since I’m no stranger to the blurry line between contentment and complacency, this felt like a very comfortably horrifying explanation. Maybe Andy was right. Maybe people weren’t stumbling upon some enlightened state after living longer than us. Maybe they’d merely given up.

Luckily for our anxiety, this interpretation of the advice not only gave us permission to dismiss it completely but to spiral further because now this. shit. was. time. sensitive.

Bye, us.

My brother is in Panama right now and he’s texting me as I’m writing this.

Buzz. Beach photo.

Buzz. “Vacation is crazy.”

Buzz. “Time doesn’t exist and you’re not a loser when you don’t care.”

Surprisingly poignant given the current topic.

On the other side of this desire for more something is our confusion as to why we have it. Last night Ramey and I were talking about how tired we are of doing this dance. I’d had an unusually glum day and had been reveling in it while simultaneously denying myself the feeling because of how great my life is.

We laughed, almost sadistically, thinking about the number of times we’ve sat in a dark car or a dark restaurant or a dark living room listing off all the ways our lives were so amazing in an attempt to invalidate our listlessness. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO LIST THIS SHIT OUT? WHY CAN’T WE JUST FEEL GOOD WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT? We were shouting at each other with these bewildered looks on our faces and laughing and kind of crying inside probably.

This is me and always has been me. Can you be both stuck in your head and stuck above, observing it? On a podcast the other day I heard a woman cite metacognitive people as the most successful, but so often it feels like chasing my own tail.

Last month, like a new-year-new-me cliché, I started seeing a therapist to get some help in putting these contradictory pieces together. I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of an unbiased party who was ethically and professionally forced to indulge my every psychological whim (*evil laughter*) and now felt as good a time as any.

Over the holidays when I told my mom I was going to have my first session the next week she scoffed good-naturedly, like only a mother could. “You don’t need a therapist. You’re already thinking about the right stuff. You’re just doing it too much. You need to meditate.”

I had to admit I agreed a teensy bit. Part of me had been thinking of this shadowy therapist figure as an extension of my journal. You know, if my journal could nod along and be like “Yeah. Totally. You’re brilliant. You’re right. This stuff can’t be solved. Can you be MY therapist?”

Maybe this fucked up version of “getting help” says a lot about me.

Now I’m four sessions deep and my vision of a talking journal has been flipped on its head. Although I’d joked beforehand that I was only in it for the validation, I quickly realized that’s what I was desperately trying to get away from. And after I stopped trying to convince her I was remarkably together and intelligent, I’ve found it to be some of the most honest reflection I’ve ever done. It’s felt, in its best moments, like I went from shouting in an echo chamber to walking outside.

When I asked her at the beginning of our second session to push me and question me and not let me move swiftly past the sticky parts that don’t support whatever agenda I’m subconsciously pushing, she said that was fine with this blank sort of smile.

I still don’t know if she likes me or thinks I’m totally annoying, but I find that kind of thrilling in a stereotypical fucked up way and it’s likely some twisted projection of how I feel about myself.

It’s shocking how quickly my narrative veers off its planned course when driven by an iron-will to not bullshit my listener, and it’s through this candor that she’s pinpointed in me a tendency to over-intellectualize my feelings.

(Lol @everyone reading this who is like “HAHAHA YA THINK?”)

When she would ask me how something made me feel, for instance, I kept launching into massively overwrought webs of pseudo-intellectual considerations that begged a million more questions and moved us a fraction as far as we could have moved had I just said: “It made me feel sad.”

It’s seriously Psychology 101, I know, but the simple answer isn’t something I’ve ever been comfortable giving, and I’ve suddenly found it exhilaratingly novel to allow myself that luxury. It’s been eye-opening to revisit some of my psychological hang-ups through this lens of avoiding complexity.

There is something refreshing about approaching hard questions with literal brevity, even if that brevity is “I have no clue.” There is a finality to it that is healthy for me. I am forced to be honest about who I am and resign myself to the unknown. Answering a question with five more does nothing for me but feed my ego. It’s intellectual masturbation.

All this got me thinking more about the thirty or forty-something trope of Newfound Acceptance I’d brought up to Andy. I’ve started to wonder if the comfort of getting older isn’t so much about becoming happy with your life out of some tired sense of resignation as it is finally being honest with yourself about who you are.

So much of my existential unrest over past years ties back to this sense of failed potential. A failure to follow every path possible. A failure to center my life around different parts of my personality. A failure to try harder to be someone I wasn’t. A failure to be more whimsical and short-sighted and spontaneous. I was always too rooted, too calculating, too careful. I hated that about myself.

And when I think back to the moments where I felt sick with indecision about what I did or didn’t want or should or shouldn’t want, an element of complexity was added because I was – and still occasionally am – entertaining so many different versions of myself.

Of course decisions were hard to make and feelings were hard to triangulate when I was struggling to even parse out who I wanted to be from who I actually am from who I realistically had the potential to be. There were too many layers and angles to consider. It was (and can still be) paralyzing.

For example, I spent years during and after college feeling upset that I majored in business instead of design or journalism or fashion or hell, even psychology. Why the hell did I have to be so practical?! What 17-year-old cares more about impressing their parents with their overdeveloped practicality than following their dreams or becoming an interesting human?! What the hell was wrong with me!? How could I have been such a shell of a person?!

I used to scream this stuff at myself so hatefully and get caught in this twisted shame spiral that served no purpose aside from turning my brain into a self-destructive punching bag.

It wasn’t until more recently that I started to consider that maybe my level-headed, logic-driven decision about college was an expression of one of my inherent strengths rather than a denial of some true creative identity I was failing to nurture. And the key to that switch in thinking was learning to let go of this alternate art-school version of myself that I’d held on to when I was young that hadn’t materialized in my adult self the way I imagined it should or could have. And then ultimately learning to be okay with that.

It makes sense that we hold onto versions of ourselves that may not be true simply because we want them to be true. Or because we are told that with blunt force we can be anybody we want to be.

But maybe part of getting older is learning to let some of those go and accepting the unique shapes of our personalities. Maybe when people say being young is a confusing mess it isn’t just because it’s hard to entertain so many possibilities, but because it’s hard to entertain so many possibilities when you still haven’t been honest with yourself about who you are and accepted that.

And I’m not talking about accepting our shitty, immature, unevolved qualities or entirely fixable shortcomings. I’m talking about being completely dead honest with ourselves about where our natures and affinities net out, rather than where we wish they did. And trusting what parts of ourselves we’ve either consciously or subconsciously chosen to nurture or let drive our lives.

It sounds so simple and obvious. Like something I’ve heard a thousand times, but it wasn’t until I started observing my own thought-patterns with a therapist that I was able to put some of these thoughts next to each other without sending myself around a paradoxical loop.

At my work we talk a lot about how constraints in design challenges actually force designers to be more creative and in that way allow them more freedom because they don’t have to constantly consider some nebulous set of conditions that aren’t established at the outset.

If we apply this to how we approach our identities and allow them to inform our decisions, maybe time and experience provide us with the tools to put up the proper constraints in our lives, thereby allowing us more freedom to be creative and enjoy ourselves. And these constraints don’t appear because the opportunities have passed us by (necessarily), but because we’ve learned to intentionally pass them by in pursuit of the opportunities that better suit us.

Maybe that’s what people mean when they act like their age has afforded them a new set of lungs. It’s actually a new set of boundaries. Maybe what time does is afford us a healthy dose of acceptance.

It may have taken me 1,873 words to get here, but I’ve either genuinely debunked Andy’s rebuttal or come up with a fantastic way to stave off future bouts of existential hand-wringing.

I don’t think it really matters which and, not to be corny, but so it goes.

 

4 thoughts on “TBH

  1. I couldn’t help but grin throughout this. It seems as though you have come to our always inevitable end: “Basically, I should just chill the fuck out.” As if it was that simple.
    In college, have you ever been given the opportunity to write an open-ended paper? No restriction on topics? Panic ensues. People need structure, in some way or another. It’s sometimes slightly depressing to think about, that as organisms we need a mechanism to be able to feel secure? By that I mean, we need limited options. Things being so open-ended is plain scary. Too many options. It becomes overwhelming and debilitating.
    I think a sense of acceptance slowly grows throughout your life, and with it, rest. Serenity. Remember being a teenager? Being so sure of yourself, but feeling like shit? The older you get, the more you accept yourself. I think that’s what changes. Complexity transforms into simplicity. The smallest things make your day, because you’ve accepted who you are as a person. There isn’t inner turmoil. Not as much, at least.
    You already know what I believe, how I feel about this. Therapy helps because it causes you to be meta-cognitive. Grow your theory of mind. We are not meant to keep everything inside, we are meant to explode. Explode, and analyze the succeeding result. Why did you explode? What triggered it? How did you react? What feelings, thoughts, worries, analyzing came from that? Emotions and self-awareness of those emotions is the only way to truly grow, in terms of emotional intelligence.

    I’m going off the rails into something else completely (typical). Basically, you’re right, I believe age gives us a new layer of self-acceptance. Time always will. And, as always, we just need to chill the fuck out. Ride the wave. Be kind to others and to ourselves. All we can do. (Hey, I ended corny, too.)
    Ps. I feel like I always end every comment/conversation/interaction we have like this. But it’s true! All we can do. Keep taking steps forward, don’t fuck with others feelings and rights in the mean time. justkeepswimming

    Like

  2. This is an amazing piece of writing Haley, I loved it. We constantly talk about this with my friends and my boyfriend, especially since we are around 26 and some of us already have chronic health problems. It is one thing to realize that you don’t want to get drunk every week (it took me to reach my mid-twenties to really stop excessive drinking and going out, which I never really enjoyed, but is the social norm in Hungary – and everywhere, really), and it is an other when you are not allowed to drink anymore because of health issues (which is the case for my boyfriend, a former heavy drinker).

    Health issues can provide limits when your self can’t, but the feeling of loss remains: a loss of youth and your former self and also all these other selves you could have had. I keep holding on to these. I have just written about all the women I could be, but am not, and of course all of them are ‘better’ than me. This post really made me think about all this, and how letting go is not giving up. Thank you for writing this, and have a great time with therapy, if you feel like countinuing!

    Like

  3. Let me start by saying I am 46 years old. You are in a unique stage of life where you see all this opportunity and its overwhelming. Twenty years ago my girlfriends and I called it “the hole”. A quarter life crisis if you will. You can see blue sky but you can’t seem to get out of the hole you are in. Dirt walls crumble around you with every attempt to climb out. Part of the issue is boredom. Maybe you don’t have the financial resources to do the thing that will change everything. Or maybe you got to do the thing that was supposed to change everything and yet you feel the same. Its a rut. The good news is everything is about to change you just don’t know it yet. In the meantime,work on simply adding a little more fun to your life. But your kind of fun, not someone else. Be a little selfish. Go skiing, or running, or walking in the cold. Buy yourself a latte. Plan a trip to the Greek Islands. Start saving for it. Feel the wind and sun on your face. You are young and beautiful. Embrace your present circumstances. Because your circumstances will change. Its the one constant in life. Responsibilities increase with time and you won’t be able to contemplate the “what ifs” anymore, you won’t have the time to intellectualize your state of being. Keep being Haley, do the things that make you happy and repeat.

    Like

  4. Re: your college crisis, I’m in a similar position…but not. Currently enrolled in a virtually useless liberal arts degree (wherein I take such practical courses like “modern thought” and “how science speaks to power”), I often bemoan why I hadn’t obliged the more realistic side of my personality and pursued something wholly boring and useful, like accountancy. I grapple with this question even more as I near graduation and job prospects look increasingly depressing (loljks they probably don’t exist at all). If I had studied finance, I whine to myself, I could have then moved to a cool city and lived my artistic life whilst also living above the poverty threshold!! Why couldn’t doe-eyed hippy Imaiya have seen this before?? I still struggle with this quandary all the time, but there’ll be the occasional moment when I come to a similar conclusion that you yourself outlined in your piece: the decision I made at the time reflected a part of me big enough and important enough to have influenced such a monumentous decision. my gut told me then that this was a side of myself worth pursuing and and I need to give my gut more credit for knowing how to distinguish between my strengths and weaknesses and my true ambitions rather than fear driven “feasible” goals. Did any of that make sense? Lol my gut tells me it did so 😁…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s